FROM THE ROAD: CLEVELAND, OH

My body was in Ohio tonight, on the stage of Seeker's Coffeehouse, belting out tunes and cracking jokes for a full house of fans. But my heart and mind were miles away standing helplessly by, unable to rescue people I love from the pain of betrayal and the fantasies formed by addiction.

Two friends of mine, married with children, are fighting tonight to save a life and marriage and to do so while staying true to the teachings of Christ. Two days ago she called and tearfully told me the story of her husband's false remission and repentance from drug and alcohol abuse. "He never stopped," she said.

I wrote the song "I Love You" from the CD Twilight for this friend when I thought he was on the mend, when his biggest hurdle seemed to be convincing himself God and God's people still cared, still forgave and loved.

You're embarrassed and ashamed I can tell
Living in your hand-made hell
Well that's a place I know too well
I do
And I love you
I love you
I love you

And those words are still true but harder to say tonight. Tonight I didn't want to represent God to anyone. I didn't want to play music about Jesus or talk about Him because I'm angry and hurt. I don't have fancier bigger language for how I feel. I'm at a loss for poetry right now. I'm ticked. I'm sad.

We all thought the addiction had been beaten but it's not only back, it was never gone at all. And now we know the truth and instead of freeing it's holding us captive to emotions that tether us to our perspective and make it impossible to see a way out of this conflict and hurt.

So I'm here, helpless, in a Comfort Inn, feeling anything but comfortable. Tonight was a blur of faked emotion and forced after show conversation. And I'm just glad it's over. It feels gross to have sung things tonight that I didn't fully trust in. And I feel weak for letting anything, even this, undermine that trust. But the show's over and tomorrow's another one so it's off to bed and an early flight out in the morning. But first I guess I should spend some time doing the one thing I can do for my friends - pray, even though I don't feel like it and don't know where to begin. And I beg you to do the same. You don't need names. Just pray for these people I love.

Thanks,
Shaun