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Poor sister-in-law. She doesn't get much press here at SHLOG.COM. I've mentioned just about the whole family tree in some way or another but not Kathy Lineberger , Becky's youngest sister, the most pitiful twig of the bunch really - the single one who never gets to share her Dr.Pepper and french fries, never wakes up in the middle of the night and breast feeds...anyone...ever, never frets over toilet seat position or wet towels on carpet, never hurries through a visit to the restroom while tiny hands knock and voices ask repeatedly from behind the locked door "Are you going number one or two?", always listens to the coolest most current music as loudly as she wishes and always goes to the movies...always...sometimes more than once a day. We hate her...I mean, pity her for this.

Like so many single people, who are usually lying liars, she beams and spunkily answers, "Fantastic!!," when we ask how things are going. But we hear the tears pooling behind the curtain of her fained exuberance. Oh sure, sometimes life kicks a nut into her nest, like when she was asked to style me (buy all the clothes with my label's money, cut my hair, put some gel in it, pull it periodically, say "looks good" a few times, and sit a lot) for my first and third album photo shoots. But that was but a single solitary shining red#7 Crunch Berry in an otherwise bland drab Peanut Buttery life.

Pathetic. No matter how much she tries to convince everyone that she's "doin' great." Great indeed.

I ask you, how great can the life of a barber be? And that's what she is. Let's don't kid ourselves. A barber. "Image Consultant." "Stylist." These are just masks she wears upon her pain, rainbow and blue sky fancy-pants linguistic smoke and mirrors, code words for "I'm a miserable BARBER. I cut hair. It sucks. I want to die sometimes." Seriously, how full of wonderment and satisfaction can a life spent with magazine cover gracers be? How uninspiring must a job that is never the same from one day to the next leave someone? How many late night talk show hosts and movie stars and rock n' rollers can one really converse with before chunking it all to manage a Sally Beauty Supply? Really? It's only a matter of time. Jerry Curl and Dippity Do - that's the future, I fear. "Fantastic," she claims.

And I suspect the more miserable she becomes the more she feels she must work in search of any salvation from her ho-hum existence. And work she does: hair for Vertical Horizon when they appeared on Conan O'Brien, wig styling for The Dukes of Hazard, styling for Robbie Seay's photo shoot, Faith Ford's hair for Faith and Hope, hair for All My Children, hair for Priscilla Presley and Christie Brinkley and lots of others. Hair. Hair. Hair. Celebrity. Hair. Hair. Hair. Big pay check.

That's no life. That's a death sentence...in Texas...with a brick and no blindfold.

You know, her job really, now that I ponder it - no, her whole life - yea, might make her the most pathetic and needy person this Christmas season - a time when we're to reach out - no - reach DOWN to the downtrodden - or maybe it should be OUT to the downtrodden to avoid the redundant use of "down" - anyway, it's the season when we're to reach beyond our own stockings full of pleasure and prosperity and offer a leg up, a place to crash, a free meal or two to our sisters-in-law (literally and metaphorically speaking) or anyone else we know who is, again, truly pathetic and dying inside from mediocrity or highlight fumes. And I guess that's why we - Brian, Amy, Becky and I have decided to open our door to Kathy this year - tomorrow night I hope - then remind her of the bed time routine, kiss the kids goodnight and run away, leaving her alone with a whole house full of the joys she's so lacking. Running everywhere. Eating from HER plate. Knocking on the door while SHE goes number one or number two. She needs the happiness we figure, the spice, some kool-aid and Cheeto in her otherwise bland lobster bisque and white wine life.

Merry Christmas, Kathy. What's ours is yours. Don't wait up.


Blogger FancyPants said...

Yeah, sounds like a drab lifestyle. Too bad. I'm sure the kids are just what she needs.

Best wishes to Kathy.

(By the way, do I get a royalty for your use of the term "fancypants" in your blog?)

Blogger Nancy Tyler said...

Kathy, you have been set up. Those jokers are running for the border the minute you walk through the door and leaving you to raise seven nieces and nephews.

There is one thing to do. Style those babies' hair. Product. Lots of product. And layers. And maybe some piercings too. There's gotta be a Claire's Boutique at the Cool Springs Galleria, right? Get a group rate. Piercings for everyone! And won't Gresham look cute with a nose ring?



Blogger GrovesFan said...


I hope you have your return flight booked and the number to the taxi company on hand in case they refuse to return you to the airport!

Gresham with a nose ring? Nah, go for the eyebrows and the navel. He streaks all the time anyway. Tattoos would go very nicely too on all of them, but good luck getting them to sit still for that long.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nancy, Beth, ya'll are kind of scaring me. Let those beautiful babies alone and keep'em natural with no more holes than they already have. I for one love my hair dresser. She's amazing and even though I don't get to see her that often I love her alot. [Shout out to Monica my hair dresser at Hair 220 in B-ville!]

And now I deliever my sad news to everyone. I'll be gone the rest of today and until the 30th. Leaving for Oklahoma today for Christmas. Can't wait love my family out there and it's another little place that allows my heart rest and contentment. So if you hear from me it's only because I found a computer. Love all the Shloggies!! Merry Christmas and Happy Holy-days!!

Blogger Mark said...

As another single, I feel for her. Sounds like a miserable life. :)

I'm leaving tomorrow as well, so Merry Christmas everyone.

Blogger Amy said...

I am happily single...love the freedom and independence....well until I watch a sappy romantic comedy or something!

Blogger Paula said...

I support the "product" motion - maybe even include some nice black nail polish?

I also leave tonight - back to my home town where I will face the ultimate question...."so....do you have a boyfriend yet?"

I'm tempted to make one up :)

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Blogger Shaun Groves said...

Paula, here's the story.

His name is Willem (the odder the name the more believable). He's 6' 3", handsome, has a golden retriever - no - a black lab he rescued from a pound. It's name is Rudy, short for Rudolph since he saved it around Christmas two years ago. It has some hip issues but other than that is in tip top shape. But anyway, back to Willem...A job...Let's see...He's an accountant. But not a boring one. Ummm...he represents a couple art galleries (one in London and one in NY) a career move he made after getting burned out as an artist business manager. Yea, he worked for me once, then moved on to country stars and eventually got tired of NASCAR and sweet tea, bolted to LA and soon tired of Destiny's Child and Christina - high maintenance. They'll believe that. So, yea, he's two years older than you - whatever that makes him - and travels a lot right now until he can open his own accounting firm later in 2006, hopefully, so he couldn't join you for the holidays this year. He had a client in a tizzy that insisted on flying him out to work the few days before Christmas and then he thought it best to spend actual Christmas day with his ailing grandmother - the last of his family. Parents died in a bizarre zoo accident. Giraffes. Bermuda shorts. Long story. So, yea, he's a dog owner (loving), employed (stable), loves grandma (kind). starting his own firm (settling down, a possible serious relationship).

You're taking things slowly for now but looks promising. You're not sure he's good enough for you OR you're praying about it. Yea, that whole praying about it line works well in relationship situations...

Any other single females heading home for Christmas may feel free to use Willem as well. Just make sure there are no SHLOGGERS in your family first.

My work here is done.


Blogger GrovesFan said...


You obviously have WAY too much time on your hands! You should be wrapping Becky's gift, addressing Christmas cards, baking cookies (wait, stay out of the new kitchen please) or putting the Christmas tree back up after the kids knock it over.

I guess if you're single, Willem sounds promising, but he doesn't do a thing for me. My husband is MUCH better, but certainly NOT available!

We have decided that it is more important that our tree NOT fall over again, than how straight it is, so it's currenly listing to port by about 30 degrees. It is however, standing on it's own again (for now anyway). It's unique though, and when my husband gets the photos, he'll know for sure that we REALLY DO MISS HIM right now!


Blogger Nancy Tyler said...

Oh man, I hadn't even thought of "the question." It's sweet and curious that the people who ask it of me the most are the family members of my late husband. My grandmother-in-law uses this wonderfully weary tone when she asks: "Nance, can't you find ANYONE?" :)

An ad agency creative director once told me he had someone in mind who would be perfect for me. Turned out that the thing that the guy being offered up and I had in common, apart from both being east coast-dwelling homosapiens, was that he had red hair. :)

Sometimes for kicks, I tell friends "Oh, did I mention, I found somebody I want to start dating." They honestly do little dances, bellow 'Hallelujah!' and reveal all the trauma they've been through worrying about me over the last decade. And then I gleefully tell them "Ha! Only kidding!"

But maybe someday I won't be. Of course by that time at the rate I'm going, dating will revolve around soaking our dentures in the same glass and sharing a tube of liniment.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You forgot to throw in she once got a daytime Emmy nomination...

...seriously, you better hope she doesn't read that.

Blogger Shaun Groves said...


Anonymous kathy lineberger said...

Alright, so I just read this whole thing and got a pretty good laugh. And since it's AFTER the visit, I must say that every moment with my nieces and nephews is a joy. PURE JOY! Unfortunatley, I didn't get to spend as much time with Shaun's kids as I would have liked since they were all puking peanut butter.
After time with them I always, always consider giving up the "glamorous" life for more time with them. That day may be fast approaching. You know what they say Shaun, "Be careful what you wish for!"


Blogger GrovesFan said...

Could Shaun's absence on the boards and shlog lately be due to the sick kids?

Blogger Paula said...

Thanks for that Shaun!
Incredibly, I've yet to use him. I've been here for 11 days, and NO ONE has asked that dreaded question! I suppose they've all given up on me :) After all, if you're not married by the grand old age of 24, what hope is there?

I pray that everyone had a great christmas and new year, and that you're not all freezing your butts off! (we're sweltering over here!)


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