NAKED, NEEDLES AND JUMPER CABLES

The thought of being naked before a stranger terrifies me. But not as much as being naked while a stranger sticks dozens of needles into my backside. And that level of fear doesn't begin to compare to my feelings the moment a needle wielding stranger said to a naked me yesterday, "Hold on while I connect the electricity to a few of these."

Hold on? Where am I going? Where DOES one go naked and all, with, you know, dozens of needles sticking out of one's back and butt? And what would one say to the no doubt bewildered gawkers when one arrived where one was going? "I'm sorry for my prickly appearance and general lack of apparel but you see I was stepping into the shower a little while ago when I remembered I hadn't cleaned that blow gun I picked up on my last trip to the Amazon basin in quite some time. Needless to say something went horribly awry shortly thereafter. I ran here seeking your assistance. Is anyone skilled with tweezers?"

So hold on I did. And boy am I glad. There's nothing quite as invigorating as several volts of electricity zipping into fleshy butt cheeks through forests of tiny needles - I've always said. In fact there are many days I wake up and gleefully greet my family with, "Hey, you know what I could sure go for right about now? A little pick me up. A little jump start to my day. Somebody grab the sewing kit and a spool of wire and meet me at that wall socket in the den. Let's party!"

Of course I've never said that. Who would? Who sits around brainstorming medical remedies and comes up with this? "I've got it! Here's what we do. Alright, we stick a bunch of needles into people, hook those needles up to a car battery, put on that John Tesh in Asia CD my no taste mom bought me for graduation and - here's the kicker - they pay us to." Who would think of such a thing?

The Chinese.

Brilliant. Terrifyingly so.

And you know something, as odd as it was - even on my fourth visit - I have to admit it works..at least for me.

So tomorrow I'm going to see this Vietnamese lady downtown who, for only $100, promises she'll shove slivers of bamboo under my toe nails while making me watch Gaither Homecoming videos. Can't wait.